Post by Shad on Nov 10, 2015 3:23:18 GMT
The poor black kit certainly looked like she was dying. Dawnkit was much changed over the past few days. Her nose had been running blood and some of it was still crusted on. She had been coughing blood only slightly, a good sigh Cedar’s Medicine Cat said, but with no one to groom her except the kit herself, old rusty blood was stuck in nasty, smelly splotches down the side of her neck and caked on the backs of her paws. Her fur was filthy. The kit stunk, and her pelt hung loosely around her emaciated frame, dull and lacking any glossy shine that a healthy kit would sport proudly. Her eyes were by far the worst to look at though. They had become bloodshot and looked downright demonic. The edges were bright pink, irritated and glassed, with her once beautiful blue eyes now bloodshot and colored with ragged strips of red where vessels had burst too quickly for her tiny body to repair them. She looked like a kit with one paw in the grave. It was revolting. Even as lay in her nest, miserable, a dribble of blood trickled down Dawnkit nose and she ran a paw over her face to clear it.
Across the den, another creature languished, although not in the same way. Flickerkit stared blankly at the wall of her nest. Her coat was dingy, but nowhere near as bad as Dawnkit’s. Her golden eyes were dull and empty, contrasting the young black kit’s too bright, shining gaze. Flickerkit had spent several days in the Medicine Den by now. She found she actually preferred it to her old home. At least here, she did not have to see anyone. Here she could be on her own and think.
“Flickerkit?”
Sometimes.
The little brown kit did not react in the slightest to her junior’s feeble wail. She simply stared, unseeing, at her own little corner of the world, contemplating.
“Flickerkit? Are you awake?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
Dawnkit coughed, curling tighter into her nest. It was a nest that felt very empty and alone without anyone else in it.
“Flickerkit?”
Silence.
“Will you come sleep next to me?”
“You know Ravenface won’t let me.”
“Oh.”
Flickerkit flicked her tail and sat up, putting her paws on the side of her nest so that she could watch Dawnkit. The little kit was crying again. She did it quietly and to herself, but there was no escaping the heartbreaking noise and it was irritating.
“Will you stop that?” Flickerkit finally mewed. “It gets annoying. Stop crying. No one wants to hear it.”
Dawnkit whimpered, turning to look at the older kit with her wide, bloodshot eyes, the fear in them plain for anyone to see. “I want my mommy.”
“Great for you,” Flickerkit growled. “But in case you didn’t notice, your mommy is not coming. –Or your daddy, before you start up on that kick, or anyone else for that matter. It is just you, all alone. The sooner you learn that the better, and be grateful for it too.”
The little black kit whimpered and sniffled blood. “Why should I be grateful to be alone?” she mewed. Dawnkit was often ‘alone’ in a sense, but she had never known she should be grateful for it.
This seemed to be a touchy spot for Flickerkit though as she looked away, her ears dropping low. “Sometimes it's better to be alone. Then no one can hurt you,” she mewed softly.
Dawnkit did not understand this though. “But if I’m alone, no one can make me better,” she protested.
Flickerkit’s amber eyes flashed golden in a show of temper, quieting the kit. “And why should you rely on others to make yourself better? You think they can do it for you? You think they want to? No. Those are just pretty lies Queens tell Kits to make them go to sleep at night. The only cats you can rely on are yourself and your Medicine Cat when the going gets rough. Remember that, kit.”
“But the leader is your mom. Don’t you rely on her?” Dawnkit whispered quietly, evoking a harsh bark of laughter from her denmate.
“Especially not Starlingfur,” Flickerkit bit back fiercely. “She’ll turn her back on you the second you aren’t worth something to her.”
There was something in the older shecat’s eyes that kept Dawnkit from wanting to ask what had happened between her and Starlingfur. Dawnkit wanted to be a good kit, and believe in her leader, but something in the way Flickerkit talked made her think she would doubt that belief if she asked.
“I can rely on my mommy,” Dawnkit protested, puffing her chest out stubbornly.
Flickerkit raised an eyebrow at the bravado. “Oh, really?” she asked. Dawnkit nodded. “And where is your mommy now, huh?”
Silence.
“Not here, that’s where. You are sick and pitiful and no one wants you, Dawnkit, just face it. When I was sick I at least had cats coming in and visiting me every day, pretending to care. You have not gotten even one visitor. Not even your own sister. You still think you can rely on them? Grow up.”
At this Dawnkit’s whole body deflated, her eyes going impossibly wide and she began to cry all over again. Flickerkit winced. She had been trying to prove a point, not make the kit even more miserable, although that was an accomplishment in itself considering how unhappy she seemed to be.
Flickerkit looked around, making sure the coast was clear before she slipped out of her nest to stand beside Dawnkit’s and pat the kit’s head awkwardly. “Hey,” she mewed softly, “Look, it isn’t a bad thing. I mean it. No one wants me either and I am doing okay.”
Dawnkit wailed all the louder. It made Flickerkit’s ears grate. She still had days where she wanted to do that herself, but she was learning how to be stronger. Maybe it was time Dawnkit learned too.
“Will you shut up?” Flickerkit snapped. Dawnkit quieted immediately in shock. The older brown kit let out a sigh of relief.
“Stop acting as if cats don’t love you, the world will end. Newsflash: It won’t. I’m speaking from experience here. You should not even be crying! You should be celebrating! Shouting your joy from the nearest mountain top! You know why?”
Dawnkit silently shook her head.
“I’ll tell you why. It is because you are getting out of here. Ravenface has already said the fever is at its worst right now and you will only get better from here on out. You are going to walk out of this den as good as new, you ungrateful pile of fur, and I am going to be stuck here, forever. I am going to be an Elder before my time and you are getting off scott-free. Who cares if cats love you or not? Being loved did not save me and it won’t save you either. Let me ask you something, Dawnkit, why? Why should you live while I am stuck here, mostly dead, for the rest of my life?”
Flickerkit’s hard golden eyes bore into the tiny, feverish black kit, who shrunk away from their merciless gaze. “I- I- I-I’m sorry,” the kit mewed pitifully but the older kit only growled.
“No. I don’t want an apology. What good will an apology do for me? Nothing, that’s what. I want to know what you are going to do Dawnkit. Tell me. What makes you so special that you should get to walk out of here a free cat even though so many others have died?”
“I- Well- Uhm,” the black kit was not sure what to say. “When I get out I'm going to go back to my family, of course, and make my mommy and daddy happy. And, uhm, I'll become an apprentice. Or. Well.” A blush spread over the young kit’s cheeks. “I thought it might be nice to be a queen, maybe, when I was older –like Swanstrike.”
“Wrong answer,” Flickerkit growled, making Dawnkit jump. “Who would want you as a Queen, Dawnkit? Really? Wake up. You don’t even have any family visiting you now and you think you can take care of other people’s families? You would probably be the only unloved queen in existence. Before you even get to that though, tell me exactly what good going back to your family is going to do, huh? Will you just waste all your time with them like you did before?”
“I… uhm…”
“Look where that got you, numbskull!” The older kit brandished her tail around the empty den. “Your family will never be here for you when you need them. Get a grip, or haven’t you been listening? The only cat you can rely on is you. Tell me, Dawnkit, what is so great about you, hm? Tell me why you, yourself, are an amazing cat that should walk out of her in one piece while I stay here broken, because you still have not given me a reason. You have told me about others and what you think you will be some day in the future, but I want to know about You. Right. Now.”
Dawnkit blinked. Her… right now? “Uhm….” What could she say? “I… don’t really have anything spec-“
“Nope. No excuses,” Flickerkit cut her off. “I want a solid, rock hard reason. Give it to me. Now.”
The little black kit floundered. “Well, I am very quiet-“
“Shrikekit is quieter, and smarter,” Flickerkit countered.
“I am polite-“ she attempted.
“So is Hawkkit, and he’s much braver than you are too.”
Dawnkit was truly distressed now. “I, uhm, My mom loves me-“
“Not as much as Frostkit or she would be in here with you now instead of snuggly curled up with your sister in the Nursery.”
“I’m better behaved than Frostkit,” Dawnkit mewed quickly.
“You expect me to give you points for being better than someone? That just makes you arrogant, something Ternkit already has in spades.”
“I… I….”
“ ‘I, I, I’ “ the brown kit mocked. “You what? Because so far, you don’t even know a single thing good about yourself, Dawnkit. Come on. Give me something. Tell me something that makes you special.”
Now Dawnkit was at the end of her rope and angry. She did not feel good, was overly-tired, burning cold with a fever, and having the worst day of her life and Flickerkit was not making it any better! “Well, maybe I’m just Dawnkit and that’s what makes me special!” she snapped defiantly.
“Nice try, but no. Even your name has nothing special about it. There have been like 10 zillion Dawnkits in the clans.”
“But I’m not them! I’m me! And I’m special because… because I say I am so there!”
At this, finally, Flickerkit sat back with a satisfied smile.
“Okay.”
Dawnkit blinked, surprised. “…. ‘Okay’ ?” she questioned.
The older brown kit nodded and went back to her nest, settling in comfortably. Dawnkit did not understand. “That’s it?”
Flickerkit shrugged, an amused smile on her face. “What more could I ask of you, kit? Every cat needs to decide their own worth by their own means, not by anyone else’s. That is just the point. No one can decide what you are worth except you. Stop judging yourself by others. Stop being one Dawnkit out of 10 zillion. Be unique. Be you, not what anyone else wants you to be, because when everything goes wrong and you are on your last leg, you are the only one you can rely on. Not them. You take care of yourself, don’t let anyone decide who you are for you. Do that, and, yeah, I’m okay with you walking out of here instead of me. Do that, and you’ve earned it, because let me tell you one thing that most cats here forget.”
Dawnkit looked at the quiet brown kit in amazement, waiting.
“You are alive –so don’t waste it doing anything other than living.”
With that, the brown kit put her head back down and drifted back to sleep, the short walk across the den and back having strained and exhausted her. As Flickerkit drifted away to her dreams, the little black kit on the other side of the den stayed awake, thinking.
I am alive. I am special, because I choose to be. I am not just one Dawnkit in 10 zillion. I am…
