Love Me (Raven Oneshot)

The sun warmed the silver shecat's pelt as she lay on a large rock in Cedar Clan's territory. She had not been assigned a role yet. She found herself quite apprehensive about it all. Would she be a Warrior? A queen? Ugh. She hoped not a queen. An eternal apprentice would be better than that! She had no idea how Swanstrike did it. Slaving around kits day in and day out. Raven liked kits, but more in the way cats liked water or climbing. They were necessary and even fun every once in a while, but definitely not frequently and never on a daily basis.

Raven rolled over to her other side, unable to get comfortable. Her mind was too frazzled. Too uneasy. These clans were all so new. Her life here felt so strange. She had a brother again, but she was not even sure she remembered what that meant and Mr-I-lost-my-memory-Who-are-you-again? was not exactly being helpful. She was stressed about being in a new place. She was stressed about being surrounded by strangers on all sides. She was stressed about finding her place in this odd, unfamiliar world she had uprooted herself from the Tribe to come to. Her soft fur practically fizzled with the nerves crackling just under the skin. 

She wished more than anything she had someone to talk to. She wished she had friends again. She wished she had someone she trusted who did not need even more help and repair than she did. She loved Boltfang and of course she would do everything in her power to help him, but she had come to the clans with hopes he could fix her, not the other way around! She would always be there for a cat that needed her, but sometimes she needed a cat to be there for her. She had spent a lifetime being the strong one and even here, in a perfect, serene world, she could not appreciate it. She was too worn. She had lost too much of herself giving it away freely to others who never gave back. 

Raven stretched out her paws and flopped over on her belly with a growl of impotent frustration. Even the warmth of the stone against her chest could not ease the knot that was coiled tight inside. She was broken, couldn't they see that? She was sick. She was hurting. She was the one that needed healing, and not the kind any herb could give. So why was she still the one taking care of others? Why was Swanstrike still coming to her for advice about Shadowfrost? Why was Crescent still relying on her as her world fell apart? Why was Starlingfur looking to her to fill a role she desperately wanted, but that would cost her everything? Even Boltfang, the brother she had only just found, was looking to her to somehow fix him. 

The shecat shoved her paws over her ears as if that could make the thoughts that screamed 'round and around her head stop. She could not do this. She was not strong. She only pretended to be so cats would not leave her. She knew how weak she really was. She had always thought that if she could just pretend to be strong, she would get strong cats around her. Then she would not need to pretend anymore.

What a foolish thought. What a childish wish. She had been fooling herself as surely as she attempted to fool the world, but if she was not strong, if she let the false face she wore fall away, what would be left of her? It was a scary question and Raven was afraid of the answer. Only slightly more afraid than of what she was becoming: A shell.

She hardly felt like a real cat anymore. What was it like to smile and mean it? What did it feel like when you laughed and it was not just to make another cat feel better? She got glimpses of those distant things when she spent time with Boltfang, but he had so much darkness latched onto him, darkness that Raven felt too responsible for. Every day she felt the distance between her and her heart grow. She hardly even remembered what she really liked or hated. Did she really like voles or had that been a lie to make her clanmates laugh? Was Greenleaf truly her favorite or had that just been her agreeing with Swanstrike's joyful chattering? If she could not even remember such basic things about herself, what was left of her?

Nothing. An empty husk, not even a real cat.

Raven felt tears slip down her cheeks. She did not know who she was anymore. Was she good? Was she bad? She had done both selfless and selfish acts in her time. Acts of charity and acts of greed. She had given herself to so few, but those few had taken so much. She felt so lost, so alone. Raven hated to be alone. She hated it most of all. She just wanted someone, anyone, to come. To see she was broken and heal her for a change. She just wanted-

"I don't like it when you cry."

The shecat's pale blue eyes snapped open in shock at the gruff, deep voice that came from behind her. She knew that voice. She had heard it so many times the deep cadence was seared into her memory, and into her heart. She did not get up. She did not turn around. She did not even move for fear that this was some dream, that any second now she would wake up and that voice would be gone forever all over again.

Stone.

Heavy footsteps came from behind her and a miniearthquake shook its way through the rock as a mountainous black tabby settled down beside her, brushing their pelts together. Silver on Black. Small on Big. Light on Dark. So close, oh so close. Raven felt dwarfed beside the tom, as if she could curl into his thick fur and hide away from the world. Not for forever, no, Raven was too stubborn for that, too independent, too much of a fighter, but just for a few moments, just for right here and now.

What's up, Pebble? I thought you were long gone.

The joking words were on the tip of Raven's tongue, but she could not force them out through her trembling throat as she swallowed back a sob. She was too raw to crack jokes. Too exposed, but as the huge tom curled around her, for the first time in moons, Raven felt safe. Safe enough to let herself fall apart. If she was completely honest, she would have been forced to admit she could not have stopped it if she tried. The pressure was too much and she was only one cat -a broken cat at that, a cat that just wanted the one thing that had always been denied her - love.

"Sssshhhhh."

Raven felt a sob escape from her tight throat, then another, as Stone ran his tail over her fur and just let her cry. Stars, how she had need this. She needed someone to let her be the weak one, even if it was just for a moment, even if it was only for the span of a passing interaction between cats that were now strangers. That only made the shecat cry harder though. She could not deny what she still felt, no matter how much she buried the truth and wished it was not true.

"Stone, I- I can't," she sobbed, trying to pull away, she might as well have been trying to move a mountain. The tom held her close and it was all she could do not to melt back into him, but she had made her choice, for both of them. She could not go back on it now. "I can't do this, Stone. I thought I could, but I can't. I love you. I'm sorry," the shecat's voice trembled and shook but she carried on none the less between the harsh cries that tore themselves from her throat, "I'm so sorry. I wanted to stop. I've tried so hard, but I can't, and you-"

"I do love you."

At this, Raven finally found the power to tear herself away from the gentle tom. The tom she had spent moons beside, close enough to touch but never enough to feel, near enough to have but never had. Yes, she knew Stone loved her, but not the same way she loved him. He loved her as a sister and Raven wanted more. Raven needed more.

The silver shecat felt Stone shift behind her to curl his paw around her small frame to bring her back against the warmth of his fur, fur she wanted more than anything to be beside hers every night. His amber eyes looked down to meet hers and her heart broke all over again. She had sent Stone away, left the Tribe, and come to the clans all to try to escape her pathetic need to be loved by a cat that could never love her back, but looking back in those eyes she knew she could never get away.

No one understood her like Stone did. No one was there for her when she just needed to fall apart for a few hours before taking on the world again. No one else simply laughed and enjoyed her humor without taking her seriously or getting defensive. No one made her feel cherished, or needed, just by giving her a look that said 'you-mean-the-world-to-me'. Stars above, how could she not have fallen in love with him? He was the first cat that let her be herself, her real self, without being afraid of what that meant or ready to defend her hide when she accidentally told a particularly dark joke. He had been just as content with her brave face as her terrified one, with her rants as her silence. 

"Raven, I love you."

The shecat blinked, her tears slowing at the odd note in the tom's voice. He sounded... serious. She was not sure what this meant. She knew Stone. She knew that tone meant business, but she had never heard him say such a thing to her in a way that carried such a different meaning. The silver shecat's heartbeat tripled in speed in her chest. Her fur felt too hot even though the sun had done nothing to warm her all day. She squirmed uncomfortably in her best friend's hold, trying to escape the mammoth cat's clutches. She did not know what this meant and she was too terrified, too distraught, to even dare to hope.

"Look, pebble-brain, I know exactly how you feel. This isn't your fault. It's my own and I just need-"

Then Stone reached down and licked her cheek, brushing their noses.

Raven would have been less stunned if a rabbit had hoped out of the undergrowth, sprouted wings, and flown off into the sky. Her heart and mind were both doing the same thing now. Namely to say they were absolutely panicking. What was going on? Stone had never thought about her like this... had he? He certainly had never made her think so but... what that just because of the Tribe? Or his family? No. No. No! None of this made any sense! It- it was too good to be true. There was no way. 

"S-s-stone?" she found herself squeaking. Raven was not a squeaker, she was a fierce yowler, but right now she squeaked all the same as those amber eyes stared down into hers and she heard the one thing she had always wanted to hear. Just once. Just one time in her wretched life.

"It's okay. I love you, Raven. All of you."

The tears were back. Raven was not sure if they were from happiness, shock, or some fatal brain injury she must clearly have suffered from, but her heart felt like it was about to burst as Stone pulled her close and nuzzled her, and told her he loved her, just as she had always dreamed.
Just... as she... had always...
Dreamed.

Raven's tears slid down her cheeks in rivers now as she opened her icey blue eyes and stepped away from Stone. The large black swirled tom made no attempt to follow her this time.

"You're not real." The words were a choked whisper, a strangled sound that hardly moved the air as they left the shecat's lips, but it was enough.

The sun darkened, as if hidden behind heavy clouds. Mist flooded into the darkened meadow and Raven soon lost Stone in the shadows. She lost everything. She always lost everything. Cats claimed to have destinies. Maybe this was hers. 

Always in darkness. Always alone. Always empty. Always unloved. Always too slow. Always behind. Always left. Always too kind. Always wrong. Always lost. Always shallow. Always last. Always forgotten. Always passed. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Alwa-

"Hey!"

The sharp startled squeak woke Raven from the nightmare. Her face was soaked and her claws were shredding her nest -and some unwary cat's tail. She scented Dots who had taken a nest next to hers, the only spots available. She released his partially de-furred tail immediately and scrubbed a paw over her face, hoping he had not seen. Stars above, like she needed that embarrassment.

"Keep your tail out of my nest," she growled weakly, rolling over to face away from the irritatingly happy tom.

"Are you okay? You seemed-"

"I said keep out, alright?! Or do you want the rest of your pelt to match your tail?" she snapped, curling in on herself more tightly and flattening tiny body deeper into her nest. 

Her eyes still felt wet, her throat still burned, and her heart still broke. She cursed her own gullibility, the tiny part of herself that still begged for more out of life even when she knew better. The only good things in life always happened in dreams.

Always.