A Leaders Shadow (Finished)

The poor queens ears flicked down and her eyes went wide at the hostility that poisoned the air and made her breaths sharp with fear. That hatred, that malice. It cut through the air like a knife and set the queen's heart pounding. She noticed things about the tom she had dismissed before. His sharp eyes. His honed, powerful muscles. He truly was a Warrior in every sense -including the bad kind. Including the kind that could kill her in a heartbeat. But what scared the shecat far more than death, was his silence. His quiet air. It was all to familiar. All too similar. All too horrifying.

Swanstrike stood up and slowly backed away from the crouching tom, her heart fluttering like a caged bird, panicking as it was held captive in a cat's claws right before the kill. Fear scent came off the shecat in waves as she slowly put one paw behind her and then the next to put a few mouselengths of distance between them. The large white queen had learned quite enough about the power of toms when displeased. She had been schooled thoroughly on the hell that a cat could live through when they placed their trust in such toms. Thoughts of the past, of Stone tore through her mind and it was everything the shecat could do to keep from crying.

Stone. Shadow. Tribe. Clan.

Things were supposed to be different here. The Clan was supposed to be different. She had just wanted a friend. Just someone she could talk to. Someone she could confide in. How had she managed to anger this cat so? What in the world had she done? She had hardly even set paw outside the Nursery in days! What could her sin possibly be?

Just existing.

No. No. That was not it. Swanstrike was a good cat. She had friends. She only meant well on everyone around her. She had never once-

Just existing was my crime last time. Why should it be different here?

Swanstrike's eyes grew cloudy as the agony of memory assailed her. She wanted to fight it. She wanted to believe things could be different. Starlingfur had said things could be different. -But those icy blue eyes that scorched fear into her soul as surely as a fiery yellow gaze had only a pawful of moons past... they told her that her hopes were built on lies. Her mate, her family, her tribe, they had all grown to hate her. Why would this clan be any different? Why would this tom be any different? No one wanted to befriend a shecat such as her. One who was too massive looking. One who inspired hatred wherever she went.

"O-o-o-okay," she choked out. Her throat felt thick and she tried to fight back her tears under the wave of hatred. "I...I'm so sorry."

Was this how all the clan felt about her? Did they all hate her with such a passion? Swanstrike's blue eyes drifted fleetingly over the cats that sat in the camp at the moment. None were paying particular attention to her. None were even looking at her. Did they... did they all felt as Shadowfrost did? She was desperate to know, but terrified now to find out. Feather and Starlingfur had just been so accepting... she just... she had only thought... -Was everything happening all over again? 



The white shecat ran from the camp to hide in the woods. She did not return until sunrise three days later. Her cheeks were slightly sunken, as if she had not eaten much and she spoke to no one, not even the kits. The shadows that haunted her blue eyes, which were dull and lacking any of her usual spark, made it almost seem like she had not slept in the whole time she had been gone. Had she stayed awake three days fighting ghosts? Her gait was heavy with exhaustion and defeat. She settled down in her nest, pulled the two small forms of Rosekit and Mistlekit close, and passed out into the blackness without a word.

She did not go near Shadowfrost again. When Starlingfur inquired as to what had happened, Swanstrike's eyes skittered away with fear and she said it was nothing.

What could she say? It was no different than when her father had asked and Stone had been her mate. No. No, this time was worse. Shadowfrost was the deputy, and Swanstrike was the Outsider. She had been so afraid to join the clan a moon ago. The last few days she had been so happy to find a home.

And now she was terrified that this home would be the same as her last.